Wednesday, 9 May 2007

What is a Philippine Election?

Cross Posting from Balita-USA

What is a Philippine election?
It all begins when the country's brightest, most highly qualified
inhabitants, the young dynamic professionals, citizens who
have the potential to make good leaders get together and
examine the country's problems, the state of politics and
the long-term national prospects.

What happens next?
They decide to emigrate.

And after that?
Another group of bright people get together.

What do they do?
They also emigrate.

And then?
And so on and so forth.

What does any of this have to do with a Philippine election?

When talented, smart and highly qualified potential leaders
leave the country all the time, who are you left with?
Retired basketball players? Toilet comedians? Bad actors
and actresses? Spoiled vicious rich kids?
Ageing and debauched hermaphrodites? You're ready to hold
a Philippine election.

How important are elected officials to the Philippines?
Nobody's been able to figure out an answer to that one.

What's at stake in a Philippine election?

Prizes and surprises! Millions in cash! Dream houses!
The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire family!
That's from the politician's point of view.

How many positions are waiting to be filled in the
coming elections?

About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined
number of graves.

So it's like a lotto?

Sort of, except that when you lose you could lose your life.

Who are qualified to run?
Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any citizenship
who's alive, of a certain age, good character and able
to summon a mob huge enough to intimidate the Supreme Court.

What kind of candidates have the most chances of winning?
ARTISTS who have the CONFIDENCE of the people.

You mean a con artist, don't you?
You said it, we didn't.

Who are qualified to vote?
Those willing to be bussed around and go a hard day's work
visiting a lot of precints during election day.

Talk about parties in the Philippines.
Everybody loves going to parties in the Philippines.

No, Political parties.
Oh! Well, in the past there used to be only two parties,
the Liberalistas and the Nacionalistas. Now there are
several dozens, but they still all fall under two main
parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunitas.

What's the difference between the two parties?
Sosyalites love parties. Opportunitas will join any.

Explain what this year's presidential elections is all about?

Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief, the
incompetent and the idiot?

No, is that a joke?
That's the presidential election.

You're a cynical bastard, aren't you?
No, no, no, we're not running for office.

Why are there so many international observers who come to
a Philippine election?

They're fascinated by all the strange phenomena which
accompany it.

What are you talking about?

Miracles are a dime dozen during election here. Vicious
criminals suddenly become saintly leaders. Voters fly.
The dead cast their ballots. Morons become national
leaders.

Why is the Church so closely involved in elections?
They're also interested in studying the miracles. Also,
priests are needed to administer the last sacraments
to all the people who're killed.

Philippine elections sound like they're really violent
and bloody.

Not really. Not more than several dozen die on the average.
Why that's only a teensy fraction of the population! And
everything blows over after election day, so the country
can bet back to its usual kidnapping, wholesale graft,
hostage taking and coup attempts.

How clean are Philippine elections?
Let us put it this way: If Philippine elections were your
house, you wouldn't want to live in it.

What are guns, goons and gold?
Three traditional important elements of a successful election.
There's a new one: film credits.

How come this pamphlet doesn't include a question that goes
why can't all candidates just jump in the lake?

That question looks like it was just gratuitously put into
this article for every naughty purposes. We decline to answer it.

How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious?
Power failures in very specific rooms where the counting is
taking place. Numbers that start losing zeroes as the days go by.

Can't the candidates, out of the goodness of their hearts, put
a stop to crooked election?

You are really ARE from another planet, aren't you?

---Shared by Col. Romy Monteyro

Posting is taken from BALITA-USA

4 comments:

Andrea said...

wow - what a choice? imagine you're a passionate wine drinker who has to face the alternative between pepsi and coca cola!

BITUINGMARIKIT said...

Dear Andrea,
Then you should try once the alternative, native tuba...pure, simple, decent but strong, lumalaban!

Michelle said...

I'm 23 and I will be voting for the first time this March 14. I have always been passive about the elections and have always seen it from an outsider's point of view. This time, I will try to be a concerned Filipino citizen and participate in choosing the people to hold the reins. For the past month, I have been following and watching the news to see which candidates are worth my vote. And to be honest, I still do not know who is deserving. They are all the same, I see them as a power-hungry, corrupt officials who have been milking on the people's tax. What I hate most are those who bragged about the facilities they have built while they were in position (i.e. a bridge with a huge sign "Contributed by Congressman ____". The money used for building each and every "project" (for lack of words to use), are taken from the taxpayers' contributions and how dare them take credit for that.

I have graduated just last 2005 and am in the labor force for 2 years. I have felt the bite of tax contribution. Maybe those who have been working for a longer time now has taken for granted and/or just choose to forget about these deductions. But I do not. I get angry while looking at the "Tax Deduction" in my payslip. It is the amount that I contribute to the politicians' pocket every month.

This election, I will write the names of those I think are the lesser devils. I won't vote for actors running for senators. What do they know about the law and lawmaking? I hope I will make a good choice.

One thing that has been in my mind was the words of a woman who lived in one of the squatters in Manila. She was interviewed about her views about the candidates and about the elections. She said "kung pagsama-samahin at tuparin ang lahat ng plataporma ng mga kandidato, tapos ang problema ng Pilipinas" (something to that effect). How true!

One show in ABS-CBN was also featuring about what children see about the candidates and politicians, all of them answered that all Philippine politicians are corrupt. How sad is that?

I continuously pray for the betterment of the Philippines. I hope those elected and who will be in power will be conscientious and I hope that they would forget their personal agenda and see what our country desperately needs. What makes me sad is that I know that I shouldn't hope for such miracles.

BITUINGMARIKIT said...

Dear Michelle,
Thanks, that's beautifully said and don't forget we help our country even in the mere positive thinking that we would like to see changes. Young people like you should keep the vision...you are the hope for this country.

Thanks and regards