Cross Posting from Balita-USA
What is a Philippine election?It all begins when the country's brightest, most highly qualified
inhabitants, the young dynamic professionals, citizens who
have the potential to make good leaders get together and
examine the country's problems, the state of politics and
the long-term national prospects.
What happens next?They decide to emigrate.
And after that?Another group of bright people get together.
What do they do?They also emigrate.
And then?And so on and so forth.
What does any of this have to do with a Philippine election?When talented, smart and highly qualified potential leaders
leave the country all the time, who are you left with?
Retired basketball players? Toilet comedians? Bad actors
and actresses? Spoiled vicious rich kids?
Ageing and debauched hermaphrodites? You're ready to hold
a Philippine election.
How important are elected officials to the Philippines?Nobody's been able to figure out an answer to that one.
What's at stake in a Philippine election?Prizes and surprises! Millions in cash! Dream houses!
The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire family!
That's from the politician's point of view.
How many positions are waiting to be filled in the
coming elections?About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined
number of graves.
So it's like a lotto?Sort of, except that when you lose you could lose your life.
Who are qualified to run?Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any citizenship
who's alive, of a certain age, good character and able
to summon a mob huge enough to intimidate the Supreme Court.
What kind of candidates have the most chances of winning?ARTISTS who have the CONFIDENCE of the people.
You mean a con artist, don't you?You said it, we didn't.
Who are qualified to vote?Those willing to be bussed around and go a hard day's work
visiting a lot of precints during election day.
Talk about parties in the Philippines.Everybody loves going to parties in the Philippines.
No, Political parties.Oh! Well, in the past there used to be only two parties,
the Liberalistas and the Nacionalistas. Now there are
several dozens, but they still all fall under two main
parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunitas.
What's the difference between the two parties?Sosyalites love parties. Opportunitas will join any.
Explain what this year's presidential elections is all about?Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief, the
incompetent and the idiot?
No, is that a joke?That's the presidential election.
You're a cynical bastard, aren't you?No, no, no, we're not running for office.
Why are there so many international observers who come to
a Philippine election?They're fascinated by all the strange phenomena which
accompany it.
What are you talking about?Miracles are a dime dozen during election here. Vicious
criminals suddenly become saintly leaders. Voters fly.
The dead cast their ballots. Morons become national
leaders.
Why is the Church so closely involved in elections?They're also interested in studying the miracles. Also,
priests are needed to administer the last sacraments
to all the people who're killed.
Philippine elections sound like they're really violent
and bloody.Not really. Not more than several dozen die on the average.
Why that's only a teensy fraction of the population! And
everything blows over after election day, so the country
can bet back to its usual kidnapping, wholesale graft,
hostage taking and coup attempts.
How clean are Philippine elections?Let us put it this way: If Philippine elections were your
house, you wouldn't want to live in it.
What are guns, goons and gold?Three traditional important elements of a successful election.
There's a new one: film credits.
How come this pamphlet doesn't include a question that goes
why can't all candidates just jump in the lake?That question looks like it was just gratuitously put into
this article for every naughty purposes. We decline to answer it.
How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious?Power failures in very specific rooms where the counting is
taking place. Numbers that start losing zeroes as the days go by.
Can't the candidates, out of the goodness of their hearts, put
a stop to crooked election?You are really ARE from another planet, aren't you?
---Shared by Col. Romy Monteyro
Posting is taken from BALITA-USA